Sunday, August 30, 2015

Congress Passes the Americans With No Abilities Act

 WASHINGTON, DC - On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
         The act, signed into law by President Obama shortly after its  passage, is being  hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
         "Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Obama, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
         Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,  utterly replaceable employees.
        The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

         Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"  
        "As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."  Singer Justin Bieber agreed, saying, "While I'm living proof you can get far in music without a lot of talent, the ANA is really going to help bring lots more acts like mine to the public!"   

        Lena Dunham, creator, writer and star of HBO's "Little Girls" noted, "I've done well in life for someone without a single shred of talent or abilities, but I know I've found a ways to penetrate a market that not many people can get into.  This law will help the millions of people who have no skills and keep them from becoming competition". 

        With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
        Said Obama: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this
great nation."
Justin Beiber and President Obama at the post-signing party (photo credit Roy Ters). 


  1. It's been a while since I've read this. Nice contemporary update to an old Onion story. :)

  2. I think you got the acronym wrong, Graybeard. I believe it is the Americans with No Abilities Legislation.
    Just a "heads up".

  3. Darn. I forgot to add that it certainly is appropriate that Obama signed this into law, (thanks, Onion), considering that he is the poster child for ANAL. In so many ways.

  4. Not posting a link to the original is a pretty disappointing party foul. :(

  5. I didn't know there was a link. I got it in an email from a jeweler I knew around 15 years ago. The email was from a forum I used to subscribe to. It was so old, the president was Clinton.

  6. This is the obituary for America. Our politicians are so busy buying votes with our tax money that we have created the worlds largest federal debt, one that we can never pay off and one that inevitably will cause us to go bankrupt. All to redistribute the wealth of the productive minority to the unproductive, unwilling and unrepentent.
    Many years ago I knew a young couple with three children a nice home where the man had lost his job and the wife worked but for minimm wage. They "existed" by deft use of credit cards. When they had reached their limit on a credit card they would get a new credit card and transfer their balance to the new card which they could then use for 6 months or so before they limited out. A few years later the inevitable happened and they lost their home and had to declare bankruptcy and also got a divorce. This is us! The U.S. is maxing out it's credit card and searching for the next one all to push the can down the road and still allow politicians to buy votes. The piper must be paid.

  7. Graybeard,

    My apologies for the insinuation, then.


  8. ...yeah, laugh now...